My Story - Made Series | Tatianna Taylor Tait
I'm so glad you found your way to my website! If by chance you were actually looking up a recipe on guacamole and somehow ended up here..i'm sorry, but it happens to the best of us. Either way I am so thankful to be able to share all of this information with you. Hopefully, if you were looking for a guacamole recipe, my awesome personality will be able to curb that hunger in the meantime. (but if not I slipped one in at the bottom, enjoy!)
Watch my story & website introduction below:
If you have watched the video you would have learned a little bit about where I come from and where I am heading. You will also know why I think community, connection and sharing the journey along the way are so important. Throughout this blog, I will not only be providing my creative design services to clients, but I will be using the blog as a personal outlet for my journey along self-development. With this outlet I will be discussing topics and teachings that I have learned through my day-to-day experiences. My goal is to show that you are not alone in this and help build an online community place to inspire and grow with one another. However, before we dive in I will provide you with my official pre-warning. **PRE-WARNING:
- Grammar is not my forte, you will notice that I am infamous for over using the comma, or not at all. (However, this blog is meant to share my journey and inspire one another, not judge my grammar)
- My ridiculous dark sense of humour that you will run into throughout this blog. (It helped me deal and get through most unpleasant things in life)
Okay, now that its out of the way, we can get back to it!
Let me officially introduce myself,
Greetings & Salutations, to whom it may concern, I am Tatianna Taylor-Tait (my parents must of thoroughly enjoyed alliteration, or knew I was destined for greatness.. whatever you prefer). I am a quirky and persistent 25 year old, that is hungry for adventure and connection. I currently live in Vancouver BC but originally grew up in a suburb about 45 minutes away in Maple Ridge.
Growing up, I was raised to be strong and not show weakness because god forbid if you're vulnerable, people will see through your disguise and realize that you're actually human... Atleast, this was my mothers approach to protect and prepare us for the world.
My beautiful mom was diagnosed mentally ill with depression and severe bi-polar in her early twenties, at twenty-one I was brought into this world. Thinking back, I know it was alot for my two young parents to handle especially with a new born baby.
I think about it all the time and I don't know how she did it... My mom always found a way to take care of us, putting everyone always before herself. She was an amazing and kind woman, with a smile that would light up the whole room. As I grew older, and my brother was born, I noticed that my mom was getting sicker and the roles soon began to reverse. With her dreams on the back burner, constantly giving herself to others and never nourishing her body and soul with self-love.. The illness became stronger, along with the days where she stayed in bed longer.
I would take care of her and my family as much as possible with the feeling of responsibility heavy resting on my shoulders.
However, as a teen you can only do so much at the time.. Years went by where it seemed like she was just floating along, stuck holding onto her past, it prevented my mother from moving forward and enjoying the life she had with her two children. Soon she just stopped caring about life and the consequences that would happen if you didn't function like a modern day citizen. Eventually, getting behind in rent and bills, she was evicted from her last three homes. We always tried getting her help, or to help by catching up on the bill payments, or to find her a job.. but the illness always won.
Everyday, I promised myself that I would do what it takes and work as hard as I needed, so I could provide my mother the life she truly deserved. I wanted to take all her pain away and never have her worry. I spent my whole life practicing strength and sacrifice, while working with my head down at two jobs and going to school. Keeping my vulnerability under wraps... No matter what goals I achieved, year, after year I would look back wondering why I felt so disconnected and unsatisfied with my direction. Was I not working hard enough? Was I not likeable? Why didn't I feel accomplished yet?
The pursuit of happiness will consistently drive you mad, especially if you don't realize that the key to happiness and all it's tools are within you. (CliffsNotes answer to life) and I think thats exactly what happened to my mom. Overwhelmed with life and her illness, it just became to much for her to handle and in a span of two years my mother attempted to take her life twice.
You never think you would get that phone call, or see the person who is your rock, who you look up too and raised you, completely broken. It took several days for my mom to recover from the first time, but I never left her side. Over the years of taking care of her prior, I pushed tough love as I wanted her to push through her pain so we could be a family once again. Instead it drove a wedge deep between our relationship and connection. Pushing us farther apart, I loved her so much but was so frustrated that her past and her story made it so we couldn't connect like a family. From that point my mom saw the effect it had on my brother and I and tried her best to change for us, but the illness had a way of pulling her back in.
The second time she tried committing suicide, my brother had found her. I wish so much that I could of done anything to prevent that from happening as he now carries that with him everyday. After rushing to the hospital the doctors called us into a small room, letting us know that she was placed on life support and that the outcome did not look good for her. Devastated, they took us into the emergency room where they prepped us to say our goodbyes and wait for time to take over. I just wanted to wake up from this horrible dream. In the back of my mind I knew it wasn't over for her, the universe couldn't just decide her path ends here like that.. I wouldn't accept it, she wasn't in a good place to say goodbye. I always felt like she could hear us standing over her like that so I would play her favourite songs in her ear, hoping that wherever she was in her mind she would hear it and follow it back to us.
The next morning she woke up. It took several weeks to regain her health and memory back but it was a miracle. I remember telling her everyday that she was here for a reason and to stop trying to leave us because the universe had a much bigger plan for her. She stayed in the hospital just over a month to gain her health back and recover. Everyday we would come visit and even celebrated her 45th birthday surrounding her in a hospital bed. She seemed to be doing so much better and it began to actually feel like a family.
After being released from the hospital, she worked on building herself back up and the relationships with her family and children. I was so proud of the changes she had made, it was the small victories for her that i'll never forget. We were in a great place and I could feel our connection blossoming into this beautiful thing that I had been hoping for years to have. I remember the last time I saw my mother she had taken me to breakfast after taking my dog to the vet in October 2015. A couple months prior I had been laid off from my job, and remember in the midst of feeling lost in my own personal path and direction that I was so grateful to have that moment of pure love, laughter, and connection with her.
The universe has a funny yet disturbing way of the plans it makes for you. On October 31, 2015 around 10pm.. I was downtown at a halloween party, my phone had rang and my friend had answered the call for me but could not hear who it was over the loud music, so she hung up. 5 minutes later the phone rang again from the same private number and I took the call outside.. It was the Maple Ridge Police, telling me that my mother had been in a fatal head on collision and that she was being rushed by helicopter to the Royal Columbian Hospital in New Westminster. Frantically grabbing my bags and ripping off my costume, I let my friends know of the emergency and had my roommate at the time quickly drive me to the hospital.
The drive there felt like forever, I remember so many thoughts going through my head, was this really happening again? ... When I got to the hospital we rushed to console my brother and my moms boyfriend at the time, while waiting for the doctors to call us in. Two doctors, alongside a social worker then quickly approached waving us into a quiet room off the side. At first, they stated that the injuries that my mom received had made her very sick and that she was on life support. (In my head, I thought okay, she survived life support before.. so we just wait and she will get better) It took 3 times for the doctors and social workers to get it through my head that she was not going to come back from her injuries this time, and still after that I refused to believe it. When they took us in the emergency room to see her, my brother and her boyfriend could not bare it so I was left as the final decision maker. Never in my life did I want to decide when to take the persons life, that gave me my very own in the first place. As I sat beside her holding her hand, I questioned why the universe would do this to us. She was a good person and gave so much, yet her time had now run out... I didn't want to let go, but at 3am the doctors stated that at this time it was just the machines and that she was no longer with us. We all left the hospital different that night, with our lives completely changed.
For a while after that I was furious with the universe, I could not understand why it would take her away from us.. I constantly searched for a sign or a spiritual connection that she was there and still with me in any way or form. During that time I was still not working a full-time job but began taking free-lance design jobs here and there. Small signs would show up from time to time that my mother was with me over the weeks, so I forgave the universe and continued to believe.. With my faith back in the universe's hands I found a sense of beauty amongst all the pain. The loss of my mother opened my eyes and shed light on a strength I never knew I even had.
From there I began to open up and share her story and mine with others. Realizing that the whole time vulnerability and authenticity were always the answer.(who would of known) I began to adventure out, design, travel, and learn about myself, while meeting beautiful like-minded individuals around me. My path never looked more clearer, and just like that things started to fall into place. My story may not have the perfect happy ending you were hoping for just yet, but the strength in the journey and connections established along the way have made it all worth while. I have never felt more inspired from my journey and feel so eager to share, learn from, and create a community with you.
As I continue to work through this righteous path of self-development, I focus on re-gaining my strength in a healthy way, while using the past to move forward.
I learn now that everything that was meant to pull me down, had made me a stronger person and I look forward to writing out the story of my life along this journey. The more I invest in myself, the farther forward I can get.. and the same goes for you! Although, sometimes people feel that going backwards in order to move forwards is the complete wrong way to deal with things. I found that by actually unpacking the past you can make a more clear and empowered future, realizing how the worst was for your best. (The universe or the higher power which you believe in, just wanted to make sure you could handle the load)
By unveiling my true authentic self, you now know a piece of who I am, and where I am going, along with my story. I hope that this will inspire you to be able to self-reflect upon your journey and join me along the ride.
PS. As promised click here for your guacamole recipe.
Thank you for reading, I would love to hear your thoughts. Please like, comment, and share below!